Fiery Freefall

I have had to ask for forgiveness from others twice in the last day. That is a lot. I feel the humility of that choice.
Somehow I have forgotten to take into account someone’s feelings and experience as I express myself.

I posted something that was funny to me without considering how others might feel about the comment on them.  That was hard. And embarrassing. I consider it a gift that the person was willing to be gracious about it. Although I know it stung and I feel bad about that. I am grateful that I got a chance to learn about it in a small group.

I also posted my last blog, and while I had not thought that anyone involved in my process would read it, apparently I was wrong about that. So, again I needed to ask for forgiveness. There was a way that I could have shared that experience that might have been less personal and upsetting for others to read.

In those moments when I am brought a challenge like that ~ since it usually comes with some passion and vehemence ~ Can I pause? because right there in that moment is a choice. I experience what I call “the burn” the screaming fiery death of the ego … and, while I am sorry that my actions have created pain for you, my ego is not interested in being vulnerable. It  is ready to fire with lots of excuses about how it was not my intention, how I am not like that, how I don’t try to hurt others…yada yada yada, but  beyond those excuses, in fact, my action caused suffering and I am  NOT okay with that. Even knowing I am not okay with that behavior, based on the results I am creating, I am capable of being insensitive, a little narcissistic about my needs,  and sometimes even a little mean spirited, so, defending myself only temporarily makes me feel better.

Because I know the truth, I know I hurt people and even when I defend myself, I still hurt people, defending myself doesn’t really do it.

The ability to not say anything defensive, and just to apologize, is immeasurably more satisfying. To breathe and then feel the burn, the fiery free fall into the abyss of self judgment is made  possible because I am now able to meet myself with love even in that pain.   With love instead of self abandonment, I can lift my head up and in the next moment fully grasp the light and feel the sky. And everything is heaven once again.

I try to skip the self judgement if I hurt another, but often when confronted I have a reaction within and I need a deep dose of forgiveness from mySelf to myself.

One of my highest values is loving. And these actions above were outside of that. They did not honor the others who were involved. I needed forgiveness for the judgements I was heaping on me, the one in me that makes a gaff, laughs at something that hurts another, that makes a choice that forgets that others might be hurt. The one that sees things from my point of view only in the moment. She needs love. She needs to be held and cared for, she does not need judgement and humiliation. She does not need recrimination. She needs love. So in wanting to be more loving, I start here. And as that love pours back into me. It is more available to all others.

In the exploration of my life I am always trying things on and trying to learn how to go about life with integrity, honesty, caring and compassion. And sometimes I totally miss the mark. And I am learning to bow in strength and refuse to cower, and be a force for love within me as I accept my imperfections and learn from them again and again. And as a result of my self honesty and self kindness, I am able to be in the world as a more loving presence.

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