Forgiveness Without Apology

I was sitting with my eyes closed waiting for my very crowded yoga class to begin when I heard one last student come in and heard the teacher arrange to give  her mat to the student. The teacher’s mat was right in front of me so I opened my eyes curiously to welcome whomever I would be toe to toe an eye to eye with. And well, the Universe had conspired that day to bring the person for whom I had the deepest upset and the most unforgiveness right into my face. We had been close friends, raising our children who were very close friends together but I had experienced her as having betrayed that friendship in the most deeply painful way.

Knowing how hard my disengagement had been through the end of my marriage, without mentioning it, she had involved herself with my ex in a way that was extremely painful for me to be with. And on top of that, had sent me an email telling me that she was not sorry for her actions and stood behind them, but wanted to have a forgiveness conversation. I said No.

The Yoga teacher unbeknownst to her … just following the promptings of her heart arranged and opportunity for me to grow and let go. Thank you Kyra Ryder.

The whole period of time between the revelation of my friend’s relationship with my ex-husband and the day in the yoga class, had been about a year and a half during which time they were now living together. Each day during that time I could feel that there was something within me that was out of integrity. Each day I knew that the anger and the many revenge scenarios that I was running (I dare not get started) were not hurting anyone but me. Well, and maybe my child. But I could not let go. I couldn’t believe how much worse it was for me that she was NOT SORRY for her actions. That sealed the deal on my unwillingness to forgive.
For me, if someone apologizes, I almost have to forgive them. But this? No apology. No forgiveness. Within me it felt like dishonoring me to forgive without apology. Surely if she had any respect or caring for me at least she would feel bad enough to say she was sorry. But no. And so inside me I could not let that dishonor stand. It felt like I would be opening my self to more of the same. And I could not abide that.

My beautiful yoga teacher continued with the lesson from the Universe by inviting us to take one of 5 mantras that she gave us to meditate on for the whole class. The one I chose was Love. It took me quite a while to be able to open my eyes again I was deeply working my mantra. I knew that it was out of Integrity for me to have someone in my life who I carried condemnation energy with and I knew that it was not good for my life to be carrying such a load of anger toward her. So there I was, repeating my mantra love love love, when I received my guidance like a bolt from heaven. ‘Love everyone’ the words said, ‘and choose your friends wisely’.

And suddenly there it was. The angle I needed to open my heart. I felt a huge wave of relief course through my body. Ah, I can love her. And I can let our relationship be a thing of the past. Without anger. I was free to Love again.

And I opened my eyes and she was looking directly at me. I looked deeply within the two of us and blessed her with an open heart. I smiled and she smiled and all was in peace. It was Christmas eve. Maybe one of the most beautiful ones ever for me.

Love and Close Personal Relationship are not the same thing. Love everyone. That has integrity for me. And choose your relationships wisely.  This awareness has served me well.

I can love madly, deeply, and with the purest heart and choose to keep my closest circle of friends full of people with whom I have the deepest caring and the deepest level of respect and honor.

If I had waited for her apology, I would still be waiting. For many of us, in many of life’s situations, the apology will never come. But, can we be willing to embrace life anyway? To fill our hearts and the whole Universe with love?  feel our freedom from choosing Love for ourselves anyway?

and give ourselves the gift of life again as we allow for all of the miraculous gifts of life to come to us?

Yes we can.

All my love,

Katherine

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