Waking up Scared and truly deeply wanting something else. Afraid even to talk about IT lest some parent, friend or God forbid, potential client of mine think that I am weak and lost and not ‘in charge’ in this process of life. Ok. I admit it. When this comes over me, I am not in charge. I want to be. I desperately want to be, but that seems to invite more of the same for this moment at least, Scared is in charge. Pause.
I do know that Scared is scared about money and life. Scared in me is based on my old stories ~ not remembering who I am. Or what is important to me. Scared is just about staying alive based on old rules. Rules I am constantly arguing with, but not ignoring yet. Or I would not be entertaining Scared.
Scared is me remembering myself as a small curled up animal that has a life that is bound by the journey of either being the predator, or equally as unfriendly but more deadly, the prey. Never Safe or Calm, knowing how quickly I can and do turn from one to the other, and back. sigh.
For one moment when the check comes in, the client calls, my boyfriend says he loves me, for one instant I feel safe and then just as quickly … the thought of how can I hold on to this, protect it, keep it and stay safe? in that One second later, the fear returns and now, I have something to lose that someone wants, so I am prey.
That game, is never satisfying. Always when I am with Scared, I cannot find peace. Even for the moment that I have ‘enough money’, or ‘more power’ or ‘more love’ than someone else and feel temporarily safe … i am always waiting with Scared for someone or something to pop my balloon, take what I have or leave me ALONE, empty and afraid; deflate the dream that I am safe, and show me that my fear is right and I will loose it all and well…let’s admit it, right? die.
Scared is Scared of everything. And that just sucks. And just in case you are wondering, Partly Afraid, a Little Worried, are as deadly as Scared.
But Love? I know Love is on the other side of that. Not Scared. Not sucking the life out of people and things by holding on. Not demanding. Not controlling. Not Needy. Not Scared.
To Love I must is step out of the game with Scared. Entirely. Game over. See Life Flow.
The new game I must first STOP looking at the Fear. Stop Treating it as REAL. Stop ARGUING with it, STOP thinking that I can MASTER IT…
and I cross over breathing deeply, one thought. One wisdom thought, ‘Look with Love’.
I look into THE FIELD OF LOVE. And require myself to see with Love. To forgive what I haven’t seen. To see what is around me, to see what is within me. To appreciate, To allow, To soften, To look steadily at Love. To honor myself and the Love that flows within me and between all of us. Then when I look again I see a different Reality. I love. In love. My fear ceases to exist. It was never real.
From SCARED, the ‘game’ of the terrified animal of predator prey, I transform to SACRED, the Truth of a joyous creature of Loving.
It is not magic. It is in me to do. Look at Truth.
It is trading my reality and seeing with new eyes, in an instant, the life of my dreams. I let down my guard and instantly I live in love and peace and joy.
And, IF I CAN, sister, believe me. You can too.
I love you,